End of the rope
by carlycarter
Summary: StevieAlex story set in season six. Alex makes a shocking discovery about his fathers murder, but will he be in time to save Stevie?
1. Chapter 1

Stevie sat with a beer in her hand. Only one beer. She didn't want anyone thinking she was drunk. It seemed somehow important that people think she was of sound mind.

It also seemed important that people realise this wasn't an act of defeat. She wasn't admitting she was guilty. Quite the opposite, it would almost be tolerable to go to jail for a crime she actually comitted. That thought was what made her rummage through her room for a pen and paper. One last pathetic attempt to declare her innocence. 

It wasn't actually the prospect of jail that frightened her most. She could have dealt with that. Probably. It was Alex. Losing Alex. 

During the last week he had become so much more distant. He hadn't even been at the trial this week. He promised her that he would stand by her side every step of the way. But that was a promise easily broken. She supposed he was busy with his wife. Or perhaps he was still mad at her for not telling him about the fake pregnancy. How was she supposed to know what was going throught his mind when she never saw him, and when she did he rarley spoke, and when he spoke, he couldnt stand to look her in the eyes anymore. She supposed she could have called him, and asked him what was up. But deep down she feared what his answer would be. So she didnt.

Then there was the letter from Rose. As if her daughter didnt hate her enough already after finding out she had been lied to all those years. Now that her mother was in the paper and on the TV on trial for Harry Ryan's murder, Rose's anger burned even more fiercely. Words from the letter sprang to mind..._havent you hurt me enough_?...yes she had hurt Rose enough. And what was once the dream that kept her going through every obstacle, every hard time, every seemingly impossible situation, that dream was now shattered. Completly.

She found a pen, and a small piece of paper. She would have to be concise. Not that there was a lot left to say. All her affairs were in order. Everything would go to Rose, not that she owned anything of value but for Drovers. And if Rose didnt want it, Stevie was sure Michelle would sell it. Michelle would take care of Rose, just like she had done for the last 15 years.

She looked down at the paper, uncertain where to start.

**_I did not kill Harry Ryan._**

It was short and to the point. She almost left it there. She wanted to leave a little something for everyone, but hesitated, not wanting to leave anoyone or anything out. But there were things that needed to be said. And this was a now or never kind of thing.

**_Rose, i love you, i have always loved you. I know you dont want to hear it, but its true. I am so sorry. For everything. I hope one day you will understand._**

**_Michelle, I never really thanked you for everything you did for Rose, so, Thanks._**

**_Jodi- you have grown up so much from that spolied brat who played her music too loud and never did any work. You are a true Mcleod, and I know Claire would be so proud of you. _**

**_Kate- We talked already. You did what you thought was right at the time. I dont hate you for that. I am not guilty, and I think now you know that. Don't blame yourself for this. It really isnt your fault. This is one last thing in the long long line of things I screwed up in my life. You are a great farmer, and a great person, and I know you will make a success of your life._**

**_Regan- You've been a true friend to me since coming to Drovers, and an incredible support. I know you will go on to find your place at home here. _**

**_Tess- Maybe you wont read this, so far away in Argentina. You gave me a chance to prove myself, to invest and be a part owner of Drovers, and I failed you. I am so sorry. But I thank you for having the faith in me to give me the chance. We had a lot of good times here on Drovers, and i miss you._**

**_Alex- You are my best mate. _**

She hesitated here, uncertain what to say, then, figuring she wouldnt ever have to face him again, or anyone else for that matter, she continued..

**_...I love you more than i've ever loved anyone. I never told you, because I was scared what your reaction would be. Thank you for everything you brought to my life. _**

She left it there. Short and sweet, she didn't want to leave a novel. There wasn't much point in that. She briefly added at the end

**_I love you all, and I know you dont understand. I'm sorry. _**

She folded the note and left it on the kitchen table.

Now the next problem was how. A gun would be quick and easily accessible. But it would leave quite a mess for some poor person to clean up. There was always her ute...but that would just be too "Claire" and she didn't have the heart to do that to anyone. Pills would have been good if she had any, hanging would do if she had a rope. For someone so decided to end her life, she was very uncertain just how she was going to do it.

Then it hit her, the perfect way. And she left her note on the table and headed out of the house.

Alex pulled into the driveway of Drovers Run. He had known for weeks that Fiona had framed Stevie for Harry's murder. What he hadn't known, or more to the point couldn't prove, was that Fiona had actually killed Harry. So he kept silent his information. Each night he went home to Fiona, pretending to love her, pretending to trust her, but silently digging for information that might reveal the truth about his father's death. It was tonight he finally found that truth. And it wasn't a moment too soon. He had the proof that Stevie had been framed for weeks now, and he should have come forward, or at least let her know. But he couldn't risk Fiona suspecting, he owed it to Harry to bring his killer to justice. So he kept quiet. He never would have let Stevie go to jail for something she didn't do. But he realized she may not see it that way when she found out that he could have saved her all this misery of the murder trial.

As he pulled up to the house the others were just returning from the stables. They were all there, all but for Stevie. They saw him pull up, but ignored him and entered into the house. He realized he wasn't exactly Mr popularity at the moment. He hoped when they found out the truth they might understand. If they didn't, he'd get over it. It was Stevie that he wanted to understand. It was Stevie he needed to explain it to.

They didn't even look up at him as he entered the kitchen.

"Is Stevie around?" He asked.

"What's it to you?" Regan responded.

He knew he deserved this treatment from them. He hadn't been around for weeks, hadn't shown up at the trial. To Stevie it must seem that he just didn't care. Or maybe she thought Alex blamed her for Harry's death. Alex wasn't sure which thought he hated more. But tonight he would explain everything to her, and hope to hell she would understand.

He had stayed away from the trial for two reasons. Firstly he wound't have been able to keep the truth from her that Fiona had set her up. He wouldn't have been able to stand to see the suffering in her eyes, and know he could do something to take it away. But he couldn't afford to let Fiona get away with murder. The second reason he stayed away was because he wanted to convince Fiona that he could be trusted. He wanted Fiona to think he blamed Stevie for Harry's murder. It was the only chance he would have to get her to open up or slip up somewhere and admit something. It had worked, and it seemed worth it. And not a minute too soon.

Fiona had confessed everything to the police when she realized Alex knew. She broke down begging forgiveness and pathetically promising it was an accident, and it wouldn't happen again. Words he had heard and believed so many times before, fool that he was.

Alex cast his mind back to a day soon after he and Fiona had returned home. He was talking with Stevie about her. Stevie hadn't offered her opinion, Alex asked for it. She told him it didn't matter what she thought. But he wouldn't let it go. She told him he was making a mistake. And he told her he wasn't as stupid as she and Jarred had been. How wrong could he be?

It was Stevie who always stood by his side. She had been right about Fiona. And he didn't look forward to hearing "I told you so". But it must be done. One thing he was looking forward to was telling her that she was off the hook for Harry's murder. He only hoped she would understand why he kept it from her for so long. He wanted to tell Stevie first about all this, but he could see that the others weren't going to tell him where she was unless he said something. 

"They found Harry's real killer." He blurted out "And I need to tell Stevie"

The other looked to him, shocked. They all questioned him, What? Who? How? Kate ran up the stairs to find Stevie but came back downstairs alone, finding her room empty.

Alex could see he wasn't going to get away without telling more information. Regan, Jodi and Kate would have tackled him to the ground to get the full story.

"It was Fiona" He told them "She killed Harry and she framed Stevie, and I have to tell Stevie."

The others were shocked. Not shocked that Stevie was innocent because they had known it all along,. Shocked that Fiona could have done this.

"Do the police know?" Kate asked

"Yes. Fiona has been arrested. It's over." He replied. He wanted to tell all this to Stevie, not to the others.

"I think you should just go Alex, we will sort everything out from here." Regan told him.

He tone told him he wasn't welcome here. So he turned and walked out the door.

Kate quickly grabbed the phone to call the police to make sure it was all above board what Alex had said before telling Stevie. Stevie didn't need another disappointment. Once it was confirmed that this was really happening, they set off to find Stevie, not even noticing the piece of paper that they knocked off the table on to the floor. 

Alex hadn't wanted to leave, but those three girls were not going to take no for an answer. He had no right to be here really. But he needed to explain. He waited until they left the house. He had no intention of going home before he had the chance to speak to Stevie. He owed her that much, an explanation. He couldn't stand the thought of her thinking that he had just abandoned her, that he didn't care. She might be angry, but he needed for her to know the truth. He waited all this time to be able to tell her, and he would tell her everything tonight. He went back into the kitchen, deciding to wait until the girls returned to the house. It was then he saw the piece of paper on the floor, and reached down to pick it up.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex held the note, just white paper without any lines, but words that went right through his heart. It didn't specifically say what she was planning to do, but he understood what she meant. In that way he always seemed to understand her. Why hadn't he seen this coming? He thought bitterly to himself. The answer was because he hadn't been here. How could she even consider doing something so stupid? He was so angry, angry at himself for not being here, angry at her for being so stupid.

He didn't even notice his hand softly starting to shake while reading the sentences directed to him. Just a few words, but it made him realize how much it had affected her. He hadn't been there for her, he had abandoned her. He realized now it hadn't been worth it, to risk losing Stevie for the sake of punishing his fathers killer. He stared in front of him, a bit bewildered, still seeing the message in front of his eyes. One part of that note was already engraved upon his heart.

**_You are my best mate. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I never told you, because I was scared what your reaction would be. Thank you for everything you brought to my life._**

The last lines of that note echoed in his heart, but he pushed that aside. There was no time to digest this message. He had to find her. There was no other option than to find her, before it was too late. There was no way it could go different. Not now, not like this. He rushed outside, not knowing were to go. He just followed his heart. It felt like he was dreaming, not a thought came clear to his mind. The only thing that he thought of was her, he had to find her. He ran out the door to saddle up a horse. Having no idea which way she went he decided to go north, remembering that the others had headed in the opposite direction. He hoped if he couldn't find her, one of the girls would.

He crossed the Northern paddock at a gallop. His eyes wandered around, completely trusting his four-footed companion. Alex shouted her name, it ended far into the distance, but there was no sign. He hadn't noticed before how the sound of her name was so sweet to his ears. The further he went the more he got scared, frightened for what he would find, even more frightened to find nothing at all. He would have given anything at that moment to hear her voice reply to him.

How could this have happened? He had hoped the girls would help her through this hard time. Would make up for his absence, but it showed it hadn't been enough. Did he really mean that much to Stevie? How could he not have seen it? If anything happened to her now, he would never be able to forgive himself. He wondered if it had all been worth it. Loosing her to jail would be one thing, but loosing her to heaven would have torn his heart apart. It would have killed him.

He stopped in the middle of the field. Think, feel ... He almost whispered it to himself. She must be somewhere. Come on, think! He tried to calm down his breathing. In his head he heard her soft sweet voice _'I love you more than I've ever loved anyone'._ Although he had only read the note, he could hear her saying it. Telling him she loved him. He closed his eyes for a moment. This can't be happening. "Come on Ryan, this is no time to lose it" He scolded himself. He looked around, there was nothing but empty space as far as the eye could see.

Remembering that the rest of the horses were still in the stables, he decided not to head any further away from the house, she couldn't have come too far out. He glanced quickly to the left, and then the right. He had never been so torn. What if he chose the wrong way? What if she was east and he headed west? And then it was too late. He shook his head, thoughts like that weren't helping anyone. With a decisive action he steered his horse towards the eastern boundary of the property, and hoped and prayed that he made the right choice.

He was riding fast, and paying so much attention to his search, scanning the horizon for any sign of Stevie. He found none. Just emptiness. With each moment his heart rate was increasing. It took every ounce of self control to keep his mind focused on his search. He was so engrossed in his task he hardly notice that something spooked the horse. With an angry kick he tried to encourage the horse to keep moving. The horse jumped violently, and Alex fell hard. The horse bolted, leaving Alex lying on the ground.

Regan, Jodi and Kate returned back to the house. They hoped to find Stevie working on the fences but there was no sign of her. They gave up their search and headed for home, hoping that Stevie had returned while they were gone.

"Stevie! We've got great news" Kate called, but no answer came. Kate was the most excited of the three to hear the news the charges had been dropped against Stevie. After all, it had been her fault that Stevie got into this mess in the first place. And she was determined to be the one to tell Stevie that everything had worked out in the end, just like it was supposed to. She hoped that it would some how help to make up for what happened. Stevie had forgiven her, but things were still not right between the two of them.

"This is really weird. I hope she hasn't done something stupid" Jodi said as she exchanged a worried glance with Regan.

Regan looked out the window "Her car is still here. And so is Alex" She added less than impressed. She couldn't believe the way Alex had been acting these last few weeks. He hadn't even been bothered to turn up to the trial. Now she knew the whole story, Regan began to understand a little why Alex had been absent. But that didn't clam her anger, and didn't excuse the way he had treated Stevie. Regan had sat by for weeks and watched her friend growing more despondent by the day, and nothing she could do to ease her pain.

"Maybe they are together?" Jodi suggested.

Kate looked disappointed "But I wanted to be the one to tell Stevie the good news. He hasn't been around for weeks, why should he get to tell her?"

"Do you think she'll be so happy she'll forgive him for being such a jerk?" Jodi asked to no one in particular

"Probably" Answered Kate.

"Wonder where they are? Should we go looking for them?" Jodi asked looking to Regan.

She shrugged as she thought over the possibilities. Perhaps Alex and Stevie wanted some time alone. Still, this was a time for Stevie to celebrate with her friends, and Alex didn't fit into that category anymore. He had no right to come round here after all that time. Maybe Stevie would be grateful to be rescued from his company.

"Let's check the stables, see if any of the horses are missing." Regan suggested. "Otherwise they can't be too far away."

Jodi glanced quickly around the stables and horse yards. "Chestnut is gone" She announced.

"Strange. He was here when we left the house." Kate added.

"Are you guys sure?" Regan asked. She hated to admit it, but all the horses pretty much looked alike to her, and she couldn't tell for certain that one was even missing.

Jodi surveyed the tables again "Yes, they are all here but Chestnut, and Kate's right, he was here when we left earlier.

"One missing horse and two missing people" Regan stated, confused.

At that moment the three turned around to see Chestnut galloping towards the horse yards. Jodi ran to the gate and opened it. She calmed the horse as Kate and Regan caught up to her.

"He is still saddled" Kate observed. "We better get out there and go look for them, they might be hurt."


	3. Chapter 3

Stevie realized she wasn't thinking clearly. It frustrated her but there wasn't anything she could do about it. She often did things in the heat of the moment without thinking them through, it was just who she was.

How had her life spun completely out of control like this? It's not like she hadn't been through difficult times before. She always made it thorough to the other side in one piece. Even when it seemed everything was lost. There was always that irritating glimmer of hope that kept her hanging on for a fairy tale happy ending. And that promise of the happy ending was enough to carry her through all the bad times.

What was so different tonight to the other hard times she had endured? Why was it so much harder to survive this ordeal? She had given up Rose years ago. And ever since Rose found out the truth and rejected her, Stevie had given up on that dream of a happy reunion. There was nothing new about that. It broke her heart, but she kept going. Deep down hoping that somehow, someday, something might change. Suddenly tonight she seemed so sure that would never happen. It was the impossible dream. And it hurt her too much to keep living with that hope. She momentarily felt bad, like she was abandoning Rose all over again, like she was letting her down. But she reminded herself Rose wanted nothing to do with her. The best thing for Rose would be to have her out of the picture for good.

As for Alex, well he never belonged to her, not even for a single second. She had lived her life without him, why was it suddenly so impossible to go on alone? He was married, he didn't need her, for anything. She cast her mind back to the wedding day. Alex telling her "You'll always be a part." Maybe he meant it at the time. Maybe not. It seemed such a stupid thing to say. She looked up at him She tried so hard not to cry. But it was impossible. She wouldn't have been able to explain it in words that day even if she had the opportunity, But she looked at him, begging him with her eyes to look into her heart and see the truth. Maybe it was better that he didn't see. He smiled at her and walked off hand in hand with his wife. But even that, she could have survived. She did survive.

Not knowing why he had abandoned her tormented her. He promised her she would always be a part, he promised her she was his best mate, he promised that he believed she was innocent, he promised to stand by her side at the trial. He lied. She longed to know, to understand, what had she done to cause him to turn on her so suddenly. But she was too frightened to confront him about it. So she wondered, sifting all the possibilities through her mind. She tried hard, but she just couldn't come up with any good reason why he would do this. 

She thought of Kate. She tried to hard not to. She hadn't wanted that to play a part in anything. Kate did what she thought was right at the time, and regretted it ever since. And since that day Kate had stood unswervingly by Stevie's side. But even that wasn't enough to erase that moment, the betrayal, the hurt of a friend turning against you like that.

She was only causing misery for Drovers Run now. They already lost the Gungellan Fresh deal because of the publicity from the trial. And it would be the first of many ways that Drovers Run would suffer if Stevie stayed around. If she loved them, which she did, then she had to do what was right and leave before the place was completely destroyed.

The prospect of Jail, although she hid behind that, it wasn't what truly frightened her. Being abandoned by Alex, that frightened her. Losing her friends on Drovers Run frightened her. Rose hating her frightened her. But the others just put her bad mood down to the fact she was scared about going to jail. And that suited her fine.

She sat by the dam on Drovers. No one came here. Ever. Not since that day Charlotte had gone missing. They dived in the dam for hours looking for her body. Looking back it was the most frightening hours of her life. Since that day the dam was neglected. Tess couldn't stand to see it, or even to pump the water from here for the stock. It was as if this place didn't exist anymore. And it seemed the perfect place for her to disappear from the world.

She remembered very little after that moment. Just diving deep into the cold water. The darkness was so thick, even though the sun was still shining just above the surface. All she would have to do was get her arms or legs trapped under a piece of wood. And then that would be the end of that. Except she hadn't been counting on one thing. Someone had been watching her.

Alex had been walking as fast as his legs would take him. If that stupid horse was standing in front of him he would shoot it. He called out Stevie's name. He yelled louder than he thought he was capable. But only silence was returned to him. He tried to send her a kind of subconscious message. Just to tell her how much she meant to him, to tell her not to give up, to tell her he was coming to save her.

He heard someone call his name from behind, and quickly turned, for a moment willing himself to believe it was Stevie calling to him. But before he turned his head he recognized the voice as Jodi. Jodi and Kate bombarded him with questions, was he ok, what was he doing out here, where was Stevie.

"Have you seen Stevie?" He asked, ignoring their questions to him.

"No" Jodi answered "We came out looking for you guys when we realized a horse was missing." Jodi explained as Alex ordered Kate to get off her horse.

"Where have you looked?" He asked.

"All along the Wilgul boundary. Regan and Dave took the ute in the other direction…."Jodi said as Alex mounted Kate's horse and headed off in the direction he had been walking.

"She has to be here somewhere, go back along the eastern paddocks, I'll continue heading west. We have to find her before she does something stupid." Alex called urgently as he headed off on Kate's horse.

Jodi helped Kate up onto the horse and they rode off in the other direction.

Regan had wanted to take the ute deciding that one horse riding accident would be enough for one day, and that she wouldn't be able to ride fast enough for it to do any good in the search. Dave accompanied her. They received the call from the girls to say that they found Alex, who had since taken off again, but that they were still searching for Stevie.

Dave looked over to Regan "What is it?" He asked

"I just have a bad feeling" Regan answered.

"Don't be silly, everything will be alright, you'll see. Stevie knows this property better than the rest of us. If she is in any trouble she will just sit and wait for us to find her. Maybe she just wanted some time alone? As for Alex he's stupid to go riding off like that on his own after already falling of his horse, so I don't see why we should be wasting our energy worrying about him."

"Maybe" Regan agreed "But it's getting dark Dave. And I just have an awful feeling"

Dave took Regan's hand in his and squeezed it gently, "It will be ok. But you're right, it will be dark soon, and maybe we will have to stop searching until morning."

"No" Regan answered quickly "You go home if you want but I wont stop."

Dave nodded silently.

The next thing Stevie remembered was feeling someone's strong arms around her, dragging her out of the dam. She tried to speak, to demand that this person let her go, but she was unable. It was all she could manage just to breathe. She was scared to open her eyes. She tried to tell herself it was Alex. But she knew immediately it wasn't. So she kept her eyes closed, to enjoy that brief moment of thinking Alex had come to save her.

She recognized the voice as he called her name. The shock of hearing his voice was enough to cause her eyes to fling open. She hadn't expected to hear that voice again in her lifetime.

"Are you ok?" He asked her

She looked into his eyes. Trying to make sense of all this. What did he want from her? She was still too breathless to answer him.

"I heard you're in some trouble with the law." He told her.

"What do you want?" She finally asked him.

"You" he answered, as he picked her up and carried her away from that place. For a moment she wanted to protest, to order him to put her down, to dive back into the cold dark water and never have to face this world again. But there was something so nice about being in his arms, about letting him take control. She was suddenly so tired, and it felt so safe and warm with him. She closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder.


	4. Chapter 4

Stevie woke in a strange place. Before she opened her eyes she realized she was not home at Drovers. The familiar smells of Moira cooking in the kitchen, the endless chatter and laughter from Kate and Jodi, the sounds of the animals, all that was gone. It was eerily quiet. 

Slowly the events of the previous days came back to her. 

The days in the courthouse. Alone. Well she wasn't alone, but Alex wasn't at her side, and to her it was the same thing. The support from the others meant a lot to her, but it wasn't enough to fill the void left by Alex.

The letter she received from Rose, her anger and hatred. The person she loved most in the world, her little girl, the reason for every single thing she ever did, had completely rejected her.

All the financial trouble at Drovers. Losing so many contracts because of the murder trial. Drovers Run might never recover from such massive financial loss. 

Her friends, Regan, Jodi, Kate, Moira. The way the looked at her. A mix of love and concern and pity and fear.

Her fingers shaking as she picked up her pen that day and wrote the letter to her loved ones, to say good bye

Sitting at the dam that day, in the sunshine. So peaceful, so quiet, so still.

Diving in to the water, the darkness, the cold deep darkness….

……and then salvation. Those strong arms around her.

Gasping for air, hearing that voice.

Opening her eyes.

And him… 

Dave stood, looking at Regan. That look of determination in her eyes, that stubborn McLeod way was something he still hadn't figured out how to overcome. They had the same conversation many times over the last three days.

_"You must rest"_

"No"

They didn't need to say the words anymore. The argument played back and forth within their eyes. And Regan won, she always won. So she continued on searching with out rest, and Dave did also. For he couldn't leave her alone in this state.

They must have covered every inch of this property in the last few days. If they hadn't found Stevie by now, Dave feared they never would. Not alive. The temperatures overnight had been so cold. And he tried not to imagine the million and one tragedies that could have happened on a property the size of Drovers, not to mention the neighboring national park. The search that had started out as hopeful, had for Dave now turned frightening. Maybe they would find nothing at all, day after day searching and questioning with no answers, no closure. And he wondered how Regan would be able to get past that. He wondered at times exactly what Regan was expecting to find. That they would just ride over a hill top and find Stevie sitting there smiling. But she searched relentlessly, so certain that her search was not in vain. And at times he wished he shared her optimism.

Dave sensed something going on that he didn't understand. For now there was no time to understand, all his time and energy was devoted to the search. He had all but given up hope entirely on Stevie. Now he focused on Regan. She could not go on like this forever. Sooner or later she would collapse from exhaustion.

Regan saw that look in Dave's eyes. That he thought she was crazy, that she was wasting her time. Either that something terrible had happened to Stevie. Or maybe that she'd just ran away. And although either of these scenarios were not entirely out of the realm of possibility, Regan knew in her heart something else was going on.

Regan turned from Dave and cast her mind back to the day Stevie had gone missing. There were so many things she would change about that day if she had the chance to live it again. Most of all she never would have walked out of the house and left Stevie alone.

Words from that last conversation she had with Stevie flashed before her mind. Stevie had known Regan was keeping something from her. And she tried so hard to get Regan to spill it. It wasn't that it was a secret, or anything she normally would have kept from her best friend. It's just that so much else was going on. With the trial, and with Alex. Stevie had so much to occupy her thoughts already, and Regan felt almost guilty to have any good news at this time. The trial would have come to an end one way or another the next day, and if it all went well then it would be time for Regan to share her good news. But for now she kept it to herself. But Stevie wouldn't give up so easily. One thing lead to another, and in all her determination to avoid the subject at hand, somehow the conversation got off track. Somehow Regan mentioned his name. That name they had silently vowed never to speak out loud. 

Alex too had been searching non stop since the moment he had found the letter. He paused for a moment and reached for the letter, just to make sure it was still there. He kept the note in his shirt pocket. Close to his heart. He had kept it from the others for now. It wouldn't help in the search, only serve to upset them, maybe make them give up looking, when he knew in his heart Steve was out there somewhere.

He would find her, and then most of that stupid note wouldn't matter. Everyone knew she was innocent of the murder, so her declaration of that was redundant. And those goodbye messages would not be needed. She could tell Rose she loved her right to her face. But there was one part that mattered; that part just for him.

_"I love you more than I've ever loved any one"_

He would find her, and tell her that he loved her too. That he was sorry. So so sorry. And he would spend the rest of his life making up for hurting her so badly. He would take her in his arms and hold her so tight. He wouldn't let anything bad happen to her ever again. He would hold her and protect her and love her. He would move heaven and earth to make her happy. He would never let her forget how much he loved her, he would never ever let her feel so alone again, so abandoned, so desperate. And he wouldn't ever let her out of his sight again. And everything would be ok, for both of them. He just had to find her.

Stevie sat up in the strange bed and surveyed her surroundings. She was in a room, in a small cottage. Slowly and silently she got up from the bed. She made her way down a narrow hallway to the kitchen, and stood for a moment.

He sat at the table, looking down at some newspaper clippings. Yes it really was him. Any doubt about that was well and truly gone. The thing that struck her as most odd, aside from the fact she hadn't expected to see him again, was that Regan had mentioned him. In the very last conversation they had at Drovers. 

Stevie had looked to her perplexed._ "Don't think about him, don't ever think about him"_ She remembered saying to Regan. It was so strange, not that Regan thought of him that day, because it was quite possible she thought of him occasionally. But that she chose that day to say his name out loud in a conversation. That name they never spoke of. But Regan said his name that day. And then he was there, at the dam. His arms dragging her out of the cold water. His eyes staring right into her soul as they always seemed able to do. And now sitting here in this strange house, at this strange table, with her.

He didn't even look up as she stood in the doorway. "I was wondering when you'd finally wake up. You've been sleeping for days."

She didn't answer him, just stood still and silent. Waiting.


	5. Chapter 5

Stevie woke to the sun streaming through the window. She rolled over in bed, hiding her head under the pillow. She had nothing to get up for. Only weeks ago she had been up before the sun every morning. She'd enjoyed being the first one awake, and getting a head start on the chores for the day. But that life was gone. She couldn't say for sure how many days had gone by, the days all rolled into one since she left Drovers. It could have been a week, perhaps two. She couldn't go on like this. It was no life. He hadn't locked her in. He hadn't needed to. He seemed confident that she wouldn't leave. And he'd been right. She had no where to go. The house was silent. She listened intently for any indication that he was in the house. Perhaps if he had gone, she might get up. Otherwise she'd stay right where she was, pretending to be asleep. Eventually she rose, being unable to lay in bed doing nothing any longer. Her heart sank as she saw him sitting in the kitchen.

"Good morning" He greeted her cheerily "How did you sleep?" 

She ignored his question but accepted the cup of coffee he offered her. 

"Whats wrong?" He asked "You're not happy here?"

"I can't stay here" She told him.

"You'd really rather be in jail for the rest of your life than here with me?" He asked disbelievingly. She couldn't tell if it was a genuine question or if he was just trying to use the prospect of jail to scare her. He needlessly reminded her often of the jail sentence awaiting her.

She shrugged in response to his question. She was already imprisoned inside her mind. And the darkness inside of her far out weighed any torture that criminal justice could bring.

"What do you want?" She asked him for the hundredth time. She spent a lot of time thinking through his motives. But her concentration always faltered, and she never could come up with a reasonable explanation.

He answered in the way he always did. With one word. "You." 

This time she answered back "You cant have me."

"But Stevie, I already do" He reasoned.

"No, you dont" She insisted "I gave myself to someone else a long time ago, There's nothing left for you."

"Yes" He answered, his tone changing to one of sadness "I know. My heart belongs to another also, you know that."

Regan and Dave were left at the kitchen table after the others had gone to start the work for the day.

"Maybe now's a good time, we can start planning for the wedding." Dave suggested.

"I cant talk about this now" Regan replied.

"You need to start thinking about the future." He told her gently. 

She ignored his comment "How can I start making plans when my 'best woman' isn't here? Do you know how much stuff there is to organise? I cant possibly do all that until Stevie comes back" She told him. 

"Regan, Stevie wouldn't want you to keep torturing yourself like this. She'd want you to move on with your life, to be happy."

"Don't you dare talk about her like she's gone" Regan scolded him. 

"She is gone" Dave answered.

"She's coming back."

"No Regan, she isn't coming back. You need to face the truth. It's been weeks. We might never know exactly what happened. But you can't keep on living like this. You need to put it behind you."

"That isn't true. And you better not say that to me ever again, or you can find yourself someone else to marry" She told him as she stood from the table to leave the room.

Dave was hurt by the way she spoke to him, but tried to remind himself that she didn't mean it. "Don't shut me out Regan" He asked her.

She paused for a moment hearing the concern in his voice. She had spoken harshly to him. But why couldn't he understand that Stevie wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. It just wasn't acceptable. She refused to believe it and didn't want to hear him talk about it anymore.

"Make yourself useful and go check on Alex" She told him as she left the room.

He sighed. He was only trying to help her, but he seemed to end up putting his foot in it. How long could Regan go on thinking Stevie was coming home, setting a place for her at the table each night as if she would just walk back in the door. Perhaps he would just have to wait until Regan was finally able to face the truth. Regan had been right about one thing, he should check on Alex. He knew roughly where to find him. He rode along the fields of Drovers Run every day looking for some clue that might lead him to Stevie, something they had missed the first time they searched. At least Regan had given up on doing that. He found Alex in one of the northern paddocks, sitting on a rock, staring down at a piece of paper in his hands. Dave took a seat next to his best mate.

"How's it going?" Dave asked.

"Nothing new" Alex replied, his voice cold and empty.

Dave nodded.

"You think she's dead, don't you?" Alex asked

"Yeah probably" Dave replied.

"Maybe she took off somewhere, you know coz of the trial. It's not that unbelievable, is it?" Alex asked.

"No it isnt" Dave conceded. "But Fiona has been all over the news the last few weeks. If Stevie had taken off somewhere she would have seen it, She'd know she'd been found innocent, she would have come home. Besides her car is still here. How could she have left? I just cant think of any other explanation. Can you?" Dave asked. He didn't like saying these things any more than Regan or Alex liked hearing them. But they were true, and people needed to start accepting it.

Alex shrugged. "I just cant believe she's gone, and it's my fault." He answered in a distant voice, staring off into space.

"No, don't go there. After Leanne died I carried that guilt for years. It nearly destroyed me. Whatever happened to Stevie, and we might never know exactly what it was, it wasn't your fault. It's a big property, and accidents happen."

"No Dave, it wasn't an accident" Alex replied looking back down to the piece of paper. He hadn't shown the others the letter. He thought it would only serve to upset them. He told himself Stevie would be back. That the letter wouldn't matter. But as the days drifted by with no news, no sign, no nothing, it seemed more and more unlikely that Stevie would be coming home.

"Can I see?" Dave asked, reaching for the letter.

Alex protectively held the letter close to him. "It's all I have left from her. The last words she wrote to me."

"It's from Stevie? What does it say?" Dave asked

Alex opened his mouth to try and explain. But it was all too terrible for words, to say that Stevie had killed herself, and it was all because of him. So he carefully handed Dave the letter.

Dave read through the letter. "Where did you get this?" Dave asked

"I found it at Drovers, the day she went missing. I went looking for her as soon as I read it. I mean, I was already looking for her, that's why I came over, but it was too late. It's all too late. She's gone." Alex answered with tears forming in his eyes. Dave put his hand on his friends shoulder, but Alex pulled away, and took the letter back "Don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it"

"Alex, whatever happened, it isn't your fault." Dave reassured him. 

"How can you say that? I promised i wouldn't abandon her, that I'd stand by her, I let her down"

"But it was all an act, to catch Fiona. You were trying to help Stevie prove her innocence mate. Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Well Stevie didn't know that. To her, it was real. And maybe if I'd been around ..."His voice trailed off as tears formed in his eyes. 

"You still don't know what happened exactly, you might never know Alex, and you cant live your life asking those questions and blaming yourself. She wouldn't want that mate."

"How can I live my life at all without her??? She was everything to me, but i never told her that, she never knew how much i loved her." Alex answered.

Dave had no words to comfort his friend at this time. Nothing he said would ease that pain. So he sat with Alex silently, until Alex got up finally and said he had to get back to Killarney. Dave let him go, not knowing how to stop him, but decided he would call by later to check on his friend. As Dave headed back to Drovers he thought over the letter, and wondered if he should tell Regan about it. Perhaps it would finally allow her to face the truth. But perhaps she, like Alex, would only blame herself for not seeing it coming. And he didn't want to make it any harder for her. Besides, he still didn't know exactly what had happened to Stevie. Maybe she wrote that note and then took off and just had an accident somewhere, maybe in the national park. Maybe she hadn't ended her own life after all. But he wondered if he could keep it from Regan. Those were Stevie's last words, and some of them were written to Regan directly, and perhaps she had a right to see them.

Alex returned home to Killarney in a daze. The last week had passed in a blur. He felt like he was living inside a dream. A cold dark and lonely dream. The searchers had given up on looking for Stevie, deciding that they may never find her. Everyone thought she was dead. He refused to believe it. But when he sat down and thought about it, when he read her letter over and over, there was no other explanation. She had ended her own life. He would never stop searching for her though. He had to find her, to know exactly how it happened. He owed her that much to lay her to rest properly. And then once he had done that, he would end his own life too. Life without her was too awful to endure. And he didn't deserve to live, not after the way he treated her. He couldn't live with himself knowing she had done this terrible thing, and he could have stopped her. All he wanted was to be with her, and if she was dead, then he would join her.

He was so angry at himself for all of this. But his anger was not entirely focused on himself. He was angry at her too. He hated to admit it, But he was. He looked down to a photograph of her. One of his favourite from the days at the rodeo. She smiled so completely in that photo. She was so young, so much to give. What a waste of her life.

He threw the photo across the floor "How the hell could you be so stupid cowgirl?!?!" He screamed to the empty room, his loud voice echoing. "Don't you know I cant live without you?!" He screamed as tears fell uncontrollably "Don't you know Rose needs her mother, don't you know how much Regan and the girls need you at Drovers!? Don't you know how precious life is?! Don't you know what Claire would have given for one more minute?! And you threw it all away!!! How could you?! Why didn't you just talk to me?" He yelled, but his only answer was cold hard silence. He sank to his knees in tears.


	6. Chapter 6

Regan had fallen asleep on the couch. Dave contemplated waking her and bringing her upstairs, but she looked so peaceful he decided against it. After covering her with a blanket and gently kissing the top of her head, he left to help Kate and Jodi with the farm work. Drovers Run had started to fall apart lately, with Stevie gone, and everyone mourning her loss, no one paid much attention to the work.

He found Jodi and Kate in the yards, he heard them yelling at one another before he saw them.

"Leave it Kate! I'll do it later." Jodi told her.

"No, Jodi, it has to be done now, it should have been done yesterday." Kate replied

"Kate, you've been up all night, you'll run yourself into the ground." Jodi responded.

"Well someone has to keep the place running." She answered. "And it's my fault, this whole thing is my fault."

"Kate don't say that, it's not your fault." Jodi tried for the hundredth time to assure her.

Dave spoke up at that point "Jodi is right, it's not your fault Kate." 

The two girls spun around to face Dave. Jodi smiled wearily at him.

"How can you say it isn't my fault Dave?" Kate challenged him "I caused this whole thing, I accused Stevie of murder, none of this would happen if it wasn't for me."

"Kate, Fiona framed Stevie for murder, not you. It's not your fault. Stevie didn't blame you. And we don't even know what happened exactly. Maybe we'll never know. You can't keep blaming yourself for Stevie's choices." Jodi said.

Dave could tell Jodi had said these things before, and that Kate didn't believe them.

Kate ignored Jodi and turned to Dave "Regan thinks it's my fault." Kate declared as if that proved everything "She even said so the other day…."

"Don't pay attention to what Regan says, she's upset, she didn't mean it, she's taking it hard." Dave answered. He decided he would have a talk with Regan later. He knew she was devastated, but it was no excuse to be taking it out on Kate. The poor kid felt bad enough already.

"I think its best I get away from here for a while." Kate said assuredly.

"No!" Jodi insisted. "Kate this is your home. Stevie wouldn't have wanted you to leave."

"Jodi is right." Dave said firmly, grabbing onto Kate's arms to prevent her from leaving before he finished speaking. "It's not your fault. Stevie didn't blame you for any of this, and she didn't want you to blame yourself, she said so in the letter….."Dave let his voice trail off, realizing he wasn't supposed to mention that letter to the others.

"What letter?" Jodi asked.

Dave let go of Kate "Nevermind." He mumbled

"Dave, tell us." Kate pleaded.

And looking into Kate's tear filled and guilt stricken eyes, he couldn't help but answer her.

Regan was woken by the sounds of someone in the kitchen. For a moment she willed herself to believe it was Stevie, that she had come home, that these last weeks had been a nightmare. She jumped up and raced into the kitchen. The disappointment was evident in her face as she realized it was Tess.

"Regan, It's so good to see you." Tess said as she embraced her cousin "I am so glad you have come back to Drovers."

Regan pulled away from her embrace. "What are you doing here Tess?"

"I thought you guys could use some help on Drovers, with Stevie gone." Tess began.

"Stevie isn't gone Tess" Regan answered defiantly "And we don't need your help. Stevie will be back soon and until then we have everything under control. So there is no need for you to be here."

Tess was stunned by Regan's reaction. Dave had told her that Stevie and Regan were close friends, and that Regan wasn't taking the news of Stevie's disappearance well. But it hadn't prepared Tess for this. Tess realized that Regan was upset, and ignored the harsh tone in her voice.

Tess continued making her cup of tea and deciding what to do next, as Regan stood in the doorway watching silently.

"I guess we should talk about tomorrow, there are some things to organize." Tess began.

"Tomorrow?" Regan asked confused.

"The memorial service. For Stevie." Tess explained "That's why I'm here"

"Memorial service?!" Regan repeated infuriated. "We don't need a memorial service for someone who isn't dead. What kind of a friend are you Tess!? What kind of a sick and twisted person are you!?"

"Regan, you need to face the truth. I know you miss Stevie, we all miss her…"

"You don't know anything Tess. Get out of here and go back to where you came from. We don't need you here." Regan said angrily.

"Regan.." Tess began

"I said GET OUT and don't come back!" Regan screamed at her, as she picked up a knife from the kitchen bench.

Tess didn't stick around to argue that it was her house, and if anyone should be getting out it was Regan. She decided it best to leave and go see Alex. She would come back to Drovers later with Dave, and hope he could talk some sense into Regan. Or at least lock the knives away somewhere safely.

He stood in the doorway of Stevie's room, making sure she was sleeping before he headed back to the kitchen. He looked down to the notice in the paper. _"Memorial service for Stephanie Hall."_ The thought made him shudder. It was creepy having a memorial service for someone who wasn't dead. It just wasn't right. They must really believe she is dead, he decided. He took the newspaper outside, and added it to the pile of old newspapers that were filled with the story of Harry Ryan's murder. The story of how Fiona had murdered him and framed Stevie. How Stevie was charged with murder, and on the eve of the verdict being handed down, she had disappeared without a trace. Presumed dead. He stopped as the thought struck him that if he hadn't followed her to the dam that day and pulled her out, she would be dead.

He lit a match and dropped it into the pile of newspapers, setting it alight. It was time to put that old life behind them. It seemed perfect somehow that Stevie was believed dead. It would make it easier for them to be unnoticed. Much easier than if she was on the run from a murder conviction. He wondered briefly if she knew that she was found innocent of the murder, if she knew that all her friends believed she was dead. There were still things he didn't understand. But for the moment they didn't matter. Stevie was the key to everything he wanted. And he was determined not to screw things up this time. This time, Regan wouldn't get away from him so easily.


	7. Chapter 7

-1Tess ran into Dave and the girls outside the stables. Jodi ran to greet her sister.

"I'm so glad you came." Jodi told her.

"It's good to be home" Tess admitted "But I wish it wasn't for this."

Jodi nodded.

"I am so sorry" Kate told her.

Tess embraced Kate as she cried "You don't have anything to be sorry about" Tess told her gently

"I just can't believe it, that Stevie would have done something like that." Jodi mumbled

"Something like what?" Tess asked curiously.

"To take her own life. And all for nothing. In the end she was innocent and never lived to know it" Kate said.

"Girls, you don't really think Stevie would do that, does it sound like Stevie to you? What about Rose? She wouldn't end her own life like that. Nick told me it was some kind of accident, that she wandered off somewhere. There are a hundred things that could have happened. Just freak, unexpected accidents. Jodi, Remember what happened to Brick? How long Becky searched for him, holding out hope for him? We might never have found out what happened to him. I guess something similar happened to Stevie." Tess turned to Kate "Its no ones fault, just an accident. That's why I don't want any one ever going off on their own on Drovers Run."

"You're right Tess, it's not anyone's fault." Kate agreed "But Dave has seen her letter. Saying goodbye to everyone. It sounded an awful lot like she was planning…" Kate's voice trailed off, unsure how to finish.

Jodi interrupted "And you haven't been here Tess, you haven't seen the look in her eyes. Each day losing more and more hope. I really should have guessed what she was thinking, and done something to stop her…"

"Jodi no. Don't think like that. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking things like that. You don't know for sure what even really happened. Dave? What letter? Tell me" Tess demanded, already feeling guilty. Jodi was right, she hadn't been here. She should have been. Maybe she could have got through to Stevie. Stevie could be foolish and headstrong and stubborn, but Tess had always been able to make her see sense when it mattered. And this time it really had mattered. Perhaps she and Nick should have come home when they heard about the trial, or even when Harry died. Perhaps they never should have left to Argentina. Now her best friend was gone. Her cousin had lost the plot. And what about Alex? She doubted her brother in law would ever get past this. He had lost so much already. They all had.

Tears formed in Tess' eyes as Dave explained the letter that Alex had shown to him.

"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you guys about this, I don't think I'm even supposed to know. Regan doesn't know, I didn't want to upset her even more."

"Come on, lets go inside" Jodi insisted.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Tess said awkwardly

"What do you mean?" Jodi asked.

Tess explained the reception she had got from Regan as she first entered the house.

"You really need to talk to her Dave" Jodi told him "This cant go on, she is really losing it. First the things she said to Kate, and now throwing Tess out of her own house. She still sets a place for Stevie at the table every night. It's not right Dave. Talk to her."

Dave nodded. He didn't need Jodi to tell him these things. And he had tried talking to Regan. He wasn't getting through. "I didn't want to make it any harder. But you're right, it can't go on. Perhaps its time I told her about the letter, maybe she can start to accept the truth then."

"I really need to see Alex, and I don't think I'd be welcome at Drovers at the moment." Tess added, hugging Dave and whispering to him "Good luck"

As they waved goodbye to Tess, Jodi turned to Dave "I'll come with you" Jodi volunteered "If you want"

Dave nodded. Perhaps it would be better coming from the two of them, between the two of them they could get Regan to see some sense.

Tess heart broke as she saw Alex sitting alone under a tree at Killarney. She sat beside him silently knowing no words that would bring comfort. She tried to recall if he had looked this broken when Claire had died. But Tess has been so distraught herself she never had any time to notice any one else's misery.

"Alex, I'm so sorry." She finally spoke.

"Yeah me too" He nodded sadly.

"What happened? I don't understand…" She began

"I don't know, I have no answers Tess." He replied gazing off into the distance.

"I mean what was going on? Dave told me about the letter. From Stevie. What could possibly make her feel so desperate?" 

"Oh that." He mumbled

"I can't believe it, that she would give up, she's always been a fighter."

"I guess she got sick of fighting, I guess maybe she felt like it was a losing battle, I guess maybe she thought no one was on her side anymore and she couldn't stand alone."

Tess looked confused, uncertain what he was talking about. "Alex, I still don't understand…."

"Never mind" he said sadly "It doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Can I see it? The letter?" She asked

He hesitated for a moment.

"Please Alex?" Tess asked him desperately "I have to see it to believe it." 

"Its all I have left of her. She was everything to me. But I treated her like nothing."

Still not understanding what Alex was saying Tess gently reached forward and took the piece of paper from him, he made no move to stop her,

Tess read over the letter quickly. Seeing her friends familiar handwriting to those hopeless words caused her to cry softly 'Oh Stevie' she whispered.

Alex snatched the letter back. "What are you doing here anyway? You're a bit late. There's nothing you can do now."

Tess nodded. There was nothing she could do now. She was too late. She should have been here sooner. "I've come for the memorial service. You're coming, aren't you Alex?"

"No" He answered simply

"But Stevie would have wanted…" Tess began

"Well too bad." He cut in. "She decided she didn't want to be here anymore. Now she's gone. She got what she wanted. She doesn't get to decide I will go to some stupid service and say nice words and cry about her. Its too late for her to care about that."

"Alright" Tess agreed "But it's important for you, to say good bye."

"No. not yet. Its not goodbye yet. I'll find her." He said determinedly. "I'll find her and lay her to rest properly." He stopped suddenly not wanting to reveal too much to Tess. Then he whispered softly so that Tess couldn't hear him "I'll find her, and then I'll be with her again. Forever."

Stevie tried to shut out the noise of the voice calling for her to wake up. She was awake already, only pretending to be sleeping.

"Come on Lazy bones, get up, its nearly lunch time!" He called

"What for?" She mumbled and rolled over facing away from the doorway. She saw no point in getting out of bed at all.

She heard him come closer and sit beside her. She cringed as she felt his fingers running through her hair. All those nights she had longed to feel Alex touch, Alex fingers through her hair.

"Come on Stevie, I hate seeing you like this." He said. He sounded genuinely concerned and once again she questioned his motivation in all this.

"Leave me alone." She told him.

But he made no move to leave.

"I have a surprise for you." He told her.

She really didn't care to hear about his surprise, but he wasn't going away any time soon, so she let him take her hand and pull her out to the back door. She couldn't remember the last time she went outside. The last time she felt the sunshine and fresh air. Then she saw a horse standing in the yards. Not just any horse. Her horse. Banjo.

She stood for a moment confused. And looked over to her companion "That's my horse." She told him

"Yes I know" He added with a smile. 

"But, what's he doing here?" She asked, not waiting for a reply as she ran over to the animal, burying her face in his neck and allowing herself the brief moment of remembering the simplicity of her old life.

"I thought he might cheer you up a bit. So don't say I don't do anything nice for you."


	8. Chapter 8

-1Regan stormed out of the house minutes after Jodi and Dave had come telling some ridiculous story. Some web of lies about Stevie, about a letter, about suicide. She had come to realise that Dave wouldn't see sense. She had grown used to his awful stories about Stevie. But to drag Jodi into his sick game was really something else.

Tess had gotten to them obviously. Filled their heads with crazy thoughts about death, suicide, and memorial services. No one asked Tess to come back here sticking her nose in it. Tess never cared what went on here while she was off having the time of her life in Argentina. It was about time she got herself back on a plane and back to South America where she belonged. The thought of Tess staying round at Drovers for any length of time made Regan sick to her stomach. 

Regan almost thought it better if she left, back to Western Australia. Far away from this place that had once felt like home, and now felt like a nightmare. It was Tess who owned this place, not her. It had belonged to Jack, not Hugh. And the injustice of that still burned brightly in her heart. She was tempted in that moment to leave this place and never look back. It caused nothing but pain for her, just like her father before her. But if Regan left, what would happen to Stevie when she came back? Regan resigned herself to the fact she would have to stay put for the moment.

Why did they all want to believe Stevie was dead? Why were they so quick to believe she had ended her own life that way? So quick to celebrate with their stupid memorial service? What was wrong with these people? Regan really couldn't comprehend it.

_"This is a terrible loss. It's hard enough to deal with, We all need to accept it, to move on, to help each other through this time."_ Dave's words rung in her ears from the conversation moments ago.

Why should she help them? Regan wondered to herself. They were traitors, all of them. Turned their back on Stevie when she needed them most, and then given up hope on her all together.

Kate had accused her of murder. And aside from the legal problems that caused, the prospect of life in prison, and the damage to the reputation of Drovers Run, Regan knew that it had hurt Stevie beyond belief that Kate would accuse her of something like that.

Alex was no better. Promising to stand beside her, then abandoning her at the first opportunity. Regan decided it didn't matter if he had his reasons for that, it didn't matter about catching Harry's killer. It wasn't an excuse for the pain that caused to Stevie, and Regan would never forgive him for it.

And as for Tess, she hadn't even been here, hadn't cared even one little bit about Harry's death, or Stevie being accused for murder. And to turn up now with fake tears in her eyes just made Regan's resentment turn to hatred.

Then there was Dave. Dave who wouldn't shut up about his stupid ideas of Stevie being dead. Dave who didn't care about Stevie at all, he just wanted to get on with his nice little life. Dave who had grabbed her arms so tightly that afternoon as she tried to push past him and Jodi as they were telling their horrid lies. For a moment Regan had wondered if Dave might hit her.

_"Let me go!" _she had screamed at him, angered that he would resort to using force. She began to wonder if she had ever known him at all. She had thought he was different. But in that moment as she fought to free herself from his tight grasp, he reminded her so completely of ….someone else. 

_"Let her go, it might do her good to talk to Alex" Regan heard Jodi whisper as she and Dave stood helplessly by. _

Dave had let her go after that comment from Jodi. Regan wondered what made Jodi think she was going to talk to Alex. Alex was the last person she would go to. The last person she ever wanted to set eyes on again. Because this whole thing, this whole stupid mess, was entirely his fault. He was the one who had killed every last little bit of life and hope in her best friends eyes. Stevie wasn't dead, of that Regan was sure, but wherever she was and whatever trouble she was in, it was all because of Alex Ryan. He was the scum of the earth and he was the one who didn't deserve to live. When Stevie came back, Regan would tell her so. Tell her to move on and never look back. She knew it wouldn't be easy, that was part of the problem, that Stevie just couldn't let go of Alex. Even when he tossed her aside like a piece of rubbish. But somehow Regan would make Stevie see sense. The two of them would take off somewhere and they would put Alex Ryan, and Tess McLeod, and this place, and all the stupid mistakes of the past behind them for good.

Even as her anger burned against Alex Ryan, Regan found herself standing on the steps of Killarney, as if Jodi's words had been strangely prophetic. She had been drawn here, drawn to him. Undeniably. Because he was so much a part of Stevie's life, because Stevie would have wanted her to come here, because maybe he was the one person who might understand where she was coming from. Maybe, in some ironic, twisted kind of way, he was the only one who could save Stevie now.

Regan didn't knock, she didn't feel the need. She confidently turned the handle and pushed the door open, pretending for a moment that she belonged in this grand homestead. Then she stood still in shock at the sight that lay before her.

Jodi looked over to Dave sympathetically. They had tried. Until that moment Jodi didn't quite realise the depth of Regan's denial. She felt sympathetic towards her older cousin, who obviously missed her best friend terribly. Jodi was certain it was a shock to hear about the letter that Stevie had left, to come to terms with the fact that Stevie was gone, that she had ended her own life. But Jodi was frustrated also. Regan was making it so much harder on them all by pretending this never happened. While Jodi was left trying to pick up the pieces, run the farm, and keep the peace between Regan and Kate. The last thing anyone needed was Kate to take off too. And no matter how upset Regan was, it didn't give her the right to blame Kate for Stevie's actions.

Jodi realised in that moment it wasn't Regan she was angry with. It was Stevie. Stevie was the one who put them all through this. Didn't Stevie realise how much she had hurt them all? How Kate felt so guilty, blaming herself entirely; how Regan was completely stuck on the verge of madness, unable to move on; how Jodi herself couldn't help but cry when she thought of Stevie. Of this person who she had been in awe of since the day she met her. Someone she respected, and admired, and fought with, and looked up to as a mentor, a sister, a friend. Someone who she trusted. Someone who, like the vast majority of other important people in her life, had left her behind without a second thought.

Jodi had been the one who called Tess. Tess was the big sister, Tess was in charge of this place, Tess had been Stevie's friend. Jodi looked forward to that moment Tess would arrive and she would dump the whole mess into her lap and wash her hands of it. Let Tess deal with Regan, Let Tess run the farm, Let Tess convince Kate it wasn't her fault, Let Tess organise the memorial service, Let Tess make sure Alex didn't do anything stupid. But now that Tess was here, it wasn't so simple to let everything go. Tess hadn't been her for months. She didn't run this place anymore. She didn't want to. Tess didn't want to and Regan wasn't able to. And suddenly Jodi realised that she was the one who would have to take control.

Jodi walked to the stables checking on the horses. Her heart ached as she thought of Banjo. Kate fed him and brushed him every day. Feeling somehow that she owed it to Stevie to take care of Banjo. But the girls never rode him. It seemed that would be overstepping some kind of invisible boundary to mount that horse. He was Stevie's horse. Jodi wondered for a moment if Stevie had given a second thought to Banjo when she made her plans. As Jodi came to the end of the stables she realised Banjo hadn't been there. She shook her head for a moment and walked back along the path, carefully scanning the horses. Banjo was gone. 

He stood watching Stevie ride her horse. He had seen the way her eyes lit up when she had seen Banjo standing there. He smiled as he watched her, for the first time in weeks she seemed to come to life. And he was pleased with himself for bringing the animal here for her. But he realised what he had done. She had been completely broken when he brought her here. And the small act of bringing her horse here was enough to restore her spirit. He would have to be careful now. She would have been more co operative in her previous state. But watching her fade away like that day after day was torture. He meant her no harm. She was little more than a pawn in this game. He even liked her. Or liked who she used to be. The sad woman he had been sharing his house with these last weeks was nothing like the Stevie Hall he remembered. But he also remembered she had been trouble. Stubborn, determined, fiery, wilful. And he would have to be careful now that he had seen that flicker of life return to her eyes.

Stevie smiled for the first time in weeks as she was riding along the field, the wind blowing through her hair. She reached down and buried her face in Banjo's neck "I've missed you" She whispered.

And with those words she started to think of other things she missed. Turbo. Regan, Jodi, Kate. Drovers Run. For a moment she let herself think for the first time since she left, what it would be like to be home right now. Then she remembered the murder trial, all the trouble she had brought upon Drovers Run, and Alex. And all thought of going home was abandoned.

As she rode back to where he was standing she saw him smiling at her, and she smiled back automatically. It was a nice thing for him to bring Banjo here for her. She didn't know why he had done it. Stevie had long since abandoned trying to understand him.

He reached his hand towards her to help her off the horse. Any other time she would have told him to get lost. She didn't need his help, or anyone's, to get off her horse. But suddenly she felt so tired, the world was spinning around her. She decided it was from spending days on end lying in bed and not doing anything. So she took his hand as he helped her down.

"Thank you." She told him. She didn't mean thank you for helping her off the horse. But thank you for bringing him here, thank you for bringing her here, for saving her life, for even being bothered with her when no one else would be. He didn't have to save her life that day, he didn't have to hide her away from the police. She looked toward him with gratitude in her eyes. In that moment she was so grateful for him, for his arms around her, for the fact that she wasn't alone.

He reached forward and kissed her. She pulled away hesitantly. "No…" She shook her head smiling, flattered that he would find her attractive when she knew she hadn't even been out of bed or dressed for days. She didn't allow herself to be swept up in the moment. The last thing she needed was more complication in her life.

He looked down to her, gently stroking her cheek "I could make you happy." He whispered.

"No" She gently shook her head again. She wondered if she would ever be happy again. "You don't love me. You love her. Its always been her." Stevie reminded him gently.

She was somewhat surprised at the words that came out of her mouth. It didn't matter who he loved or didn't love! There were a million reasons that she would never be involved with him. Things he had done that she could never forgive him for, even aside from the fact that her heart belonged to Alex. There were things she could have shouted at him in that moment, things he had done that at one time she would have given anything to be standing before him to accuse him of. After all her own mistakes she felt she had no right to throw his mistakes back in his face. Instead, overcome with strange feelings of gratitude and hope and something else she couldn't quite understand, she had opened her mouth with her true but meaningless statement that she wasn't the one he loved.

But it was suddenly so hard for her to reconcile the picture of the man that stood before her today, with the picture of the man she knew he had been. How could this man who saved her life, be the same man who had almost destroyed her best friend?

"She haunts me. Like Alex haunts you." He answered. "They are ghosts."

At the mention of Alex she turned away. Yes Alex did haunt her. He would likely always haunt her. But there was no future with him.

"What's wrong with making one another happy? What's wrong with letting me comfort you?" he asked. He tried to keep his mind on the long term goal. Stevie Hall was only part of his plan, he reminded himself. His plan to get Regan to come to him. But that day at the dam, he hadn't saved Stevie only because of that. He had seen that look in her eyes, that look of despair, something that mirrored his own eyes. It was compassion that drove him to dive in the dam after her. And now, looking at her smiling shyly at him, smiling for the first time in weeks, he felt something beyond compassion. He had no time to make sense of these feelings. Or to determine what his future goals now were. He only decided that whatever the future held, he may as well have some fun along the way.


	9. Chapter 9

Alex looked out the big glass windows onto the fields of Killarney. That property that once meant everything to him. It now meant nothing. He had taken to working long days to help himself forget. The property was falling down around him. He didn't really care. He worked only to occupy his time somehow. Sometimes he would ride over to Drovers, or to the national park, looking, waiting, dreaming. There seemed nothing he could do to make the situation any better. But he kept trying. Trying to do something. Trying to find Stevie. Because Alex Ryan was not used to being powerless. And he would never give up. Not until he had found her.

His days were followed by long sleepless nights of drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself. He had half been expecting company this night. Each night someone dropped by with a stupid excuse, Dave, Tess, Jodi. Sometimes he dreamed that Stevie would show up on the doorstep. The one person he was not expecting was Regan McLeod.

The shock registered on his face as he looked over to the doorway and saw Regan standing there. Regan stood shocked too. _Why is she shocked?_ Alex wondered. She is the one who came here. Came here with that murderous look in her eyes. For a moment he wondered if she might be here to kill him, to punish him for what he'd done. He deserved to die, and then he'd be with Stevie. It wouldn't be so bad.

Regan stood stunned to see the man before her. The shadow of the man she once knew. She had never seen him so pale, so lifeless, so thin. Regan had to look twice to assure herself that he was breathing. He looked like a ghost. And when he turned to look at her, she could make no sense of what she saw in his eyes. She looked to Alex, wondering if she had ever really known him. Even known him other than through Stevie's eyes.

Regan stood beside him. Suddenly she realised that she hadn't seen him since that day……….that day he'd come to Drovers looking for Stevie. That day Regan had asked him to leave. The last day she'd seen Stevie. The thought struck her so harshly and she had to speak it aloud.

"If I hadn't turned you away that day…." She couldn't finish that sentence. If she hadn't turned Alex away, maybe he would have found Stevie, maybe he could have stopped her from… whatever. In that moment Regan had been so angry at him, so focused on getting rid of him. She had no idea that her best friend was in so much trouble.

"No." He cut her off. "This is my fault." He stated, simply, but heartfelt. And it somehow didn't make Regan feel better, like she thought it would, to hear him admit his guilt. She fought the urge to comfort him, fought hard, even thought he was right- it was his own damn fault.

"You were a good friend to her." Alex stated.

Regan wondered why he bothered trying to make her feel better, when she had come here to do the exact opposite for him.

"Not good enough obviously." Regan answered sadly. Regan had tried. Really tried. She counted Stevie as one of the best friends she had ever known. She listened to her when she spoke, comforted her, gave her space when she asked. Maybe too much space? Regan's mind ticked onwards wondering at all the things she could have done to prevent this happening.

Alex turned to look at her "Good enough." Alex assured her. Those two words, from his lips, seemed to hold more power than they should. They somehow lifted a weight of guilt off her shoulders, "She talked about you a lot." Alex continued. It was the first time he'd spoken about Stevie like this since she disappeared.

_'You too'_ Regan wanted to reply. _'You smashed her heart to pieces. You're all she talked about, all she thought about, all for you those tears she cried every night when she thought we were all asleep_.'

"Alex." Regan spoke coming close to him. "If you love her…." She began

"I do" He answered so quickly, so firmly, so deeply that Regan could have no doubt that he meant it. She thought he was a bastard, just a married man having his fun on the side, but now she saw that yes, he loved her. And she couldn't doubt it anymore.

"Then help me. Help me find her." Regan begged him.

"I'm trying." He answered.

Regan's eyes lit up as she heard this. Was he looking? Did he believe her to be alive?

Alex saw that look in her eyes, that undying hope. He felt the need to extinguish it. He was good at such tasks, killing hope.

"Regan." he said gently, his hand on her shoulder, looking deep into her eyes so that she could make no mistake about the veracity of his claims "Regan, she is gone." The words cut through his soul as he spoke them.

Regan shook her head. She had been fighting this battle for weeks, with Dave, with Kate, with Jodi, with Tess. Why had she thought that Alex Ryan of all people would be any different?

She didn't respond in her usual way of anger, frustration, or the familiar urge to slap him across his head. But she held her gaze steady, and looked deep into his eyes, past all that pain, that regret, that guilt. Layers and layers, clouding his judgement, underneath all that she searched, just for one spark of hope. That's all she needed to see, that's all it would take.

"Regan I cant let myself believe." Alex protested weakly, tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn't get his hopes up, it would make it worse in the end.

"You can't let yourself believe in her?" Regan asked him as she moved to stand right in front of him.

Alex paused for a moment, then spoke quickly pushing Regan aside "She's gone." Thinking silently. _'She could never believe in me, why should I now believe in her?'_

"Help me find her." Regan pleaded suddenly feeling so drained trying to maintain the hope on her own. Why couldn't there be one person, just one person, to stand by her side and believe with her?

"You blame me." Alex said. It was a statement not a question. Yes she did blame him. He broke Stevie's heart. But deep down Regan blamed herself too. She was the one who knew how desperate Stevie was feeling, the one who let her walk out of the house alone that day. How could she have done that? Her guilt equalled Alex. But Stevie topped them all. How could she let them suffer this way?

She pushed that anger aside, hating herself for being angry at Stevie. Regan shook her head confused. She was so confused. Who was she angry at? Why was she even angry? Stevie's not dead. It was just a terrible tragedy that could have happened. She had to find Stevie. Stevie needed her. There was no time for all these thoughts. Or was it too late? Stevie needed her before all this happened, and she let her down. Maybe it was all just too late.

Regan felt her legs give way under her. It was the first time she had allowed herself to wonder….what if Stevie really was gone? Just that brief moment of horror was enough to knock the breath right from her and she felt Alex arms leading her to sit down. She promised herself she'd never get to that point. But it was so hard to fight against everyone. And she was so tired of fighting alone.

Something jolted her, something from his touch, that strong arm that had touched Stevie, this man who touched her heart. It felt so right to be beside him. Somehow she gained strength from him.

He wanted to go get her some water. Or something. Anything. He stood looking dumb. Just stood by. Just like he stood by and let Stevie take her own life. He really thought he cared about nothing now. But seeing Regan like this stirred something in him, and he felt honour bound to take care of her, as he should have taken care of Stevie.

"Alex, how can we ever……??" she didn't finish. _How can we ever get on with out her, forget her, how can we ever feel ok again? _

He shook his head, as if to say '_we cant.'_

The unanswered questions weighed her down, _Why? How? When_? She had to know. For sure.

"Find her." Regan whispered.

"I'm trying." He said dejectedly. Alex Ryan was not one used to not getting his own way. "It seems to be…." He started absentmindedly.

"Yes?" She prompted him hopefully.

"…..the least I can do." He finished sadly. "It's such a simple bloody thing, I mean how many places can she be? I can't even get that right for her. And she's alone out there somewhere, cold, dark, and alone. Even now still alone, not knowing how much we want to be there with her." He paused. "Or maybe she does know. Somehow in death she is watching down on us, knowing how much we want to be there with her."

His tears fell and he made no attempt to wipe them. The sight of him falling apart before her surprised her. She hadn't realised he had a heart. She'd painted him as this cold heartless monster. She never realised what Stevie must see in him. Until that moment. Against her will she stood to face him. She looked up into his eyes, and wiped the tears from his cheek. She wanted to comfort him as he had comforted her.

In that moment. Some part of Alex pain, his hopelessness, his grief transferred to Regan as she touched him. Regan had now, finally entertained the possibility Stevie was gone, forever gone. Forever lost. Dead.

And in that moment she touched him, something flickered in his heart. That forbidden thought. What if she's not dead? At the beginning he'd been so adamant that she was ok. When had that hope died? What was wrong with hoping that little bit? How could it hurt any more than it did already?

The two of them were clouded by grief and confusion. Neither one knew what they believed, how they felt, who they blamed, let alone what actually happened to Stevie.

Alex pulled Regan close. He held her tight as he would have done to Stevie. As he may never hold Stevie again. Regan sobbed and he let her cry. It was the first time she really believed Stevie may be dead. Stevie would have wanted Alex to be there for Regan.

As Regan calmed down, Alex collected himself also.

"Listen, go home, get Banjo." Alex ordered her.

"Banjo?" Regan asked.

"Yes, we're going for a ride." Alex said, thinking maybe Stevie's horse would lead them somehow to the truth.

"Banjo!" Regan exclaimed happily "I never thought…"

"Just go" he said, his eyes warning her don't get your hopes up. "We might find her, Regan. And we might not like what we find. She might be……"

Regan put her finger to his lips. "If that happens, then say it. Don't say it now. Enough people say that, enough people believe it. Cant we just for now hope? For Stevie?"


	10. Chapter 10

Kate saw Regan at the stables. Kate stood for a moment watching. Something about the way Regan was smiling gave Kate the courage to approach her for the first time in over a week.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Kate asked hesitantly, still feeling Regan was angry with her for reporting Stevie to the police, that somehow Kate was responsible for this whole mess.

"Oh I'm glad you're here, I need your help" Regan said cheerfully.

"Of course." Kate replied a little too eagerly. She was glad Regan was talking to her again, maybe they really could start to put this terrible tragedy behind them.

"I'm going for a ride." Regan announced.

"Oh!" Kate exclaimed more than a little surprised. "On a horse?" Kate asked. Horse riding was not exactly Regan's favourite pass time.

Regan nodded.

"I'll come with you." Kate offered.

"No." Regan answered quickly as Kate's face fell. Perhaps Regan still resented her after all.

"No offence, but you cant ride so well." Kate reminded her. "I'll get Jodi to come with you. The last thing we need is another accident…" Kate's voice fell quiet as she uttered those words.

Regan flinched, despite shaking head. Stevie hadn't had an accident. Whatever happened was just some big mistake. Still those words cut through her. She took a deep breath, then forced a smile.

"It's ok Kate, I'm expecting a companion." Regan announced. It was too much to call him a _'Friend.' _

"Oh" Kate exclaimed, looking slightly worried. "Where is your….uh…companion?" Kate asked hesitantly, having the idea that Regan was seeing some strange visions of Stevie's ghost.

"He will be here soon." Regan answered mysteriously, not offering any further information.

_He?_ Kate stood shocked wondering who Regan could be going riding with. Dave didn't ride any better than Regan, and horse riding was really not their thing.

"Right." Kate answered. "I'll get a horse for your friend then."

"Companion." Regan clarified.

"Right." Kate nodded.

"We just need one horse, much faster that way. Like you said, I don't ride very well. Just get Banjo for me? And help me put the saddle on?" Regan asked.

Kate hurried to obey, because it was the first time in weeks Regan had spoken to her let alone asked her to do something. Maybe this would be a good thing for Regan to go riding on Banjo, and bring some healing. There was only one problem, Banjo was gone. Kate had tried to hard to look after him the way Stevie would have wanted her to, but it hadn't been enough. She hadn't dont the right thing by Stevie, and in the end she couldn't even do the right thing by her horse. Kate quickly snapped out of her train of thoughts, reminding herself Regan was counting on her.

Rather than upset Regan, Kate found a horse of the same size and similar colour. Regan wasn't likely to notice the difference. In the unlikely event that Regan asked about the difference in colour Kate would explain it was natural for the horse to look a shades lighter with the change of the seasons. Satisfied with this Kate tried not to look guilty and brought the horse to Regan. Regan stood stroking him, as Kate silently saddled him. Kate couldn't remember ever seeing Regan so affectionate towards a horse. It brought a tear to her eye thinking how much Stevie would have loved to see it. At that point Kate had to speak up.

"I'm so sorry." She said softly.

"Huh?" Regan asked confused.

"For everything, For Stevie…" She explained, not knowing any other words to describe the situation. "If I could change it, I would." She said sincerely. Not a day went by that she didn't regret reporting Stevie to the police for Harry's murder.

Regan stood for a moment, then reached over and hugged the girl tightly "Oh Kate it isn't your fault. Those things I said, I was way out of line, I'm the one who is sorry."

"I never meant for this." Kate stated

"No one did." Regan replied "But Stevie didn't blame you, she thought the world of you."

Regan silently scolded herself for using the past tense while speaking of her friend. _Stevie doesn't blame you, she thinks the world of you._ At the same time Regan's thoughts drifted, _whose fault was it then? _It was so much easier if there was someone to blame, even if it was herself. Maybe she just hadn't been a good enough friend. It seemed easier somehow than to believe Stevie herself was responsible. That if Stevie had thought more of herself, more than just what Alex Ryan thought of her, then maybe none of this would have happened.

"I am sorry Kate, for the way I blamed you. It was unforgivable." Regan continued, suddenly realising the cruel things she had said to Kate in the days after Stevie's disappearance.

"Its ok, don't worry about it. We'll all be ok." Kate answered her.

Regan nodded. At that moment Alex arrived.

"I'll get rid of him." Kate quickly announced, knowing Regan's feelings for Alex.

"No he's my companion." Regan announced.

"You are going riding with Alex?" Kate asked

"Yes." Regan answered

"Why?" Kate asked genuinely curious.

"To find Stevie." Regan answered, regretting it immediately when she saw the look on Kate's face. But she had said it now. "To prove you all wrong. We will all be ok Kate, Stevie too, you'll see."

Regan's words alarmed Kate. How could she go on deluding herself like this? It wasn't healthy. And how could Alex encourage her like this?

Alex slowly got out of his car, thinking of all the times he had pulled that car up right to that spot and seen Stevie standing there at that fence with Banjo. If he squinted, he could make out that Regan was Stevie, and he stood for a moment pretending it to be true.

As Kate called to him he snapped back to reality and headed towards them.

"Good you're here. Banjo is ready. Kate helped me with the saddle so don't worry it wont fall off or anything, check it if you want." Regan announced, anxious to get on their way.

Alex looked from Regan to Kate to the Horse. He checked the saddle, patted the horse. This whole picture was wrong. It should be Stevie here. But something else struck him finally. This wasn't even Banjo.

Enough. Alex had completely enough of everything. There was no hope he could step back and take a deep breath, or to calmly assess the situation. He looked over to the girls, and realising Regan was clueless about the horse, he turned to Kate.

"This isn't Banjo!" He yelled at her. Was it so hard to get just one thing right?

A guilty look came over Kate's face before she turned away. She mumbled something he couldn't make out

"Well?!" He demanded, suddenly unnerved by the entire situation, and the venom in his own voice.

"No its not:" The girl finally managed to speak.

"Well bloody go and get him!" Alex ordered her impatiently, "And don't come back without him!"

He felt bad for the way he spoke to her, she was just a kid, she was Stevie's friend, she was grieving just like he was, and the guilt in her eyes mirrored his own. In that moment he realised it was times like this they had to stick together. Momentarily he forgot the horse. He wanted only to lift that weight of grief and guilt of her shoulders, like he wished someone would do for him.

He gently lay his hand on Kate's shoulder, and after some significant effort, lowered his tone "The horse? " he prompted gently.

But Kate seemed glued to the spot.

" I cant." She said quietly. "He's gone"

This time it was Regan who responded in anger. "What the hell are you talking about?!" She demanded, coming towards Kate, almost knocking the girl to the ground. "Gone where? How could you let something happen? To Stevie horse? What will Stevie think when she comes back? One bloody horse and you cant even get that right!" Regan accused her, her own guilt eating her up, she didn't even recognise the animal wasn't Banjo. Regan stopped, and looked to Kate's crushed face, and Alex hand still planted on the girls shoulder.

"Settle down" Alex said.

Regan realised again how hard she had been on Kate when it was her own self she was angry with. She took a deep breath. "Sorry. What exactly do you mean Kate?" She asked.

"This morning, he was just gone, you know I feed him and brushed him every day…" Kate's voice trailed off.

Regan looked to the horse bitterly, then to Alex, to Kate. She was over come with anger, exasperation, then finally something else.

Regan smiled. "Stevie took him." She said softly. Alex rolled his eyes as Kate's mouth widened in disbelief.

"You mean she called to him? From heaven?" Kate managed to ask.

"No!" Regan replied quickly. "I mean, Stevie came her, walked on in, and took her horse." Regan said, possibilities ticking in her mind hopefully.

"Get a grip" Alex spoke up. "She walked in and took the bloody horse? Never said a word to anyone and disappeared?" he mocked.

"She took him." Regan affirmed, her hope slowly drifting away under the disbelieving looks or Alex and Kate. She patted the horse and swiftly walked away.

Kate called out after her.

"No." Alex steeped forward. "I'll go."

Alex caught up to her. He walked quickly and silently along side her. It reminded him of times walking alongside Stevie, when she had refused to talk to him after one fight or another, and she had walked away determined to ignore him. All the times he had followed her yelling at her, waiting for her to crack, to turn around and acknowledge him.

"You think I'm insane." Regan finally said.

"No." He answered, although he was not sure. "I want her to come home too Regan." Alex said, trying to prevent tears from forming. Regan stopped, and looked to him for a moment. Then they continued walking on in silence. To the dam.

Alex eyes lit up as they passed the dam. He stopped still in his tracks. Memories washed over him. Memories from that day they thought Charlotte had drowned. Mostly it was Stevie's face in those memories, not Charlotte, not Tess. Just Stevie. Holding her so tightly, begging her to stop just for a minute. But she wouldn't. And he watched helplessly as she disappeared under the water, he was completly unable to comfort her.

Regan stopped beside him. She looked over to him. And somehow saw into his mind, to what he was thinking.

"No!" Regan screamed at him.

Alex didn't take his eyes off the water. He hadn't looked here, had anyone? In his search how could he miss this place? On some subconscious level had he avoided it? Out of all the places on Drovers Run why had he not searched here? Was it because of that day? Of the bad memories? Or because on some higher lever he knew she would choose this place? If anywhere, it would be here.

"Damn you Alex Ryan!" Regan shouted at him, pushing him slightly. He stumbled a few steps, his eyes still transfixed on the water.

Alex didn't even notice that Regan had left. He removed his shirt and dived in. He searched every inch of the cold dark water. His mind went blank. He wasn't thinking of what he would find. He was just determined to find something.

He searched the entire dam, more than once, of that he was sure. He found only one thing. The scarf. The scarf he was sure Stevie had been wearing that day. He sat on the ground holding it close to him. He was confused, relieved. She had been here. But she wasn't here now. She wasn't….. He couldn't let himself finish that thought. Imagining her at the bottom of the dam was too much. And now the horse? Was that a co-incidence?

"Where are you cowgirl?" He asked quietly as he lay back and closed his eyes, holding her scarf close to him.

Regan returned to the house, slamming the door behind her. How could they have let something happen to Stevie's horse? How could Alex keep thinking these terrible thoughts? He looked to that dam and imagined Stevie lying lifeless at the bottom. She couldn't afford to let herself think like that. What was wrong with all these people? Wanting to forget Stevie like that? To give up hope? To have their memorial service?

She shook her head. Trying to regain her thoughts. Banjo was gone. That had to mean something. She just couldn't work it out yet. She climbed the stairs to her room, suddenly so tired after the last weeks. She passed by Stevie's room, lingering at the door. She couldn't walk past without going inside. She sat on the bed looking around the four walls. Immediately she noticed that someone had been in here. Things had been moved. There were photos missing from the dresser. A photo of Rose, and one of Stevie and Regan. Her lucky horse shoe, and a few other bits and pieces. Regan looked around the room unable to find the missing items, and decided Tess must have taken them for her stupid service. She angrily walked out of Stevie's room, shaking her head and made her way along to her own room. She hesitated at her own door, feelings somehow uneasy all of a sudden. As Regan stepped inside the room she noticed straight away the envelope that lay on her pillow.


	11. Chapter 11

As the days went by Stevie faced a constant battle of thoughts within her mind

As the days went by Stevie faced a constant battle of thoughts within her mind. It was a merciless tug of war between the black hopelessness, weariness, despair, and that flicker of light, life, and strength. The darkness was powerful. That very dark presence had caused her only weeks ago to attempt to take her own life. But that inner courage and determination was strong too. It was the force that sustained her through the long painful years away from Rose. That strange thing deep down that told her life could be better than this, that she could be better than this. And would be. That irritating tantilising glimmer of cruel hope that prevented her from trying to end her life again right here and now.

Her days she spent with the Banjo, peacefully riding. Looking back over her life it was the only time she could recall having so much time to think, to do nothing. She did not consider it a luxury at all though. She despised having nothing to do. No purpose. Caring for the horse was enough to get her going, but not nearly enough to keep her going. And as she began to think clearly for the first time in months, to think of getting away from here, back to her friends, claiming back her life, her strength. But those fantasy moments were brief and soon washed away by the flood of despair. She settled into her mundane useless life with Banjo. And Jonah. At times she tried desperatly to evade his continued attempts to get close to her. And at times she merely gave in to him, weary of fighting, of caring enough to protest.

Alex, always Alex. Not the prospect of Jail nor rejection from her sister and daughter, nor the fact her friends thought her dead brought her mood down so low. It was Alex, and it was hard to get him out of her mind once she started her mind functioning again. It was impossible. Even in this dreary nothing place Alex Ryan had never set foot upon, he haunted her every breath. Even as she kissed the man who had saved her life, Alex stood befor her, even riding in the eerie still silent acres, there was no where to hide. Alex had his hands around her neck so tightly she could not breathe. And she could not shake him. What use was running away from here, from her kidnapper, where could she go that would be better? Jail? On the run? It wouldnt matter, Alex would follow her. Poisoning her mind and suffocating her. And yet somehow she feared the day he would vanish from her thoughts. His presence in her life, although tormenting, was comforting. Familiar. Without him she was nothing. And so she held on tightly to the thing that cut her so deeply.

Alex was everywhere. His voice whispering in her ears, his hands firmly but gently caressing herher body, his eyes staring back at her each time she closed her own. Even Banjo reminded her of Alex, all those times she had taken for granted, simple times as neighbours checking fences, moving sheep. A life she craved for now. There was no escape from him. No escape from the torment. As she rode through the trees, she heard his voice calling through the wind, heard him calling her name softly, sweetly. And then as she turned her head towards the sound she heard that same voice harshly calling her a murderer.

Back and forth between dreaming of the man she loved, happy times the things she loved and missed, things she had probably imagined, a perfect man who did not exist. And the condeming image of this man who cared not at all. Whose words and promises had meant nothing. Who had broken her heart so completely so easily and not even realised. She loved him and missed him and tried so hard to hate him. And it pushed her back, further inside her mind, forcing her to shut down in every way unable to comprehend the truth of his feelings. She tried to become as dead as she could be whilst still living. The only thing she could think of to even hope or wish for, was that she had not been saved from that dam that day. What use was her life like this? Her entire life had become a prison sentence far worse than the justice system could have imposed upon her. She saw no way out. She had been saved that day and next time she would be more careful.

Just as she had decided her fate, she would look Banjo in the eyes as she brushed him down, and something in her stirred. She may be nothing to Alex. And somehow she had come to believe that meant she herself was deviod entirely of any worth and purpose. But Banjo loved her, needed her to care for him. The animal adored her unconditionally, had been a constant companion through so many trials. Banjo trusted her as she trusted him. And looking into his eyes as she burried her tear stained face into his mane, it was impossible to comprehend longing for death. Slowly other things came to mind, other people who loved her. Alex, Michelle and Rose had turned away, Claire and Tess had abandoned her- Claire to the grave and Tess to South America. But there were still people who loved her, trusted her, needed her. Regan, Jodi, Kate. For the very first time she looked outside her own suffering, and began to wonder how the others had been affected by her disappearance. She had done it partly for them, Drovers had lost so much business due to the murder scandal. But she started to realise that losing her to gain prosperity on the farm might not be considered a worth while trade by the others.

She knew she could not stay here, with Jonah, not any longer. She did not belong here. And so over and over she considered her options. Death? Running away? Jail? She could not decide.

Regan heard a sound, almost like a scream, and realised it had come from her own mouth. She stared down at the object in her hand. Dave had heard the noise and ran up the stairs, meeting her half way. He had not been going far from Drovers lately. He was so concerned about Regan. She was losing the plot entirely. She was so deep in denial about Stevie. He could see she was hurting so much, and that this insistence Stevie was alive was in part an act to convince herself rather than face the prospect she had lost her best friend in such a tragic set of events. It made it worse that no one knew the exact circumstances of Stevie's death. So many questions. No one who could answer. No matter how desperatly they wanted and needed to know.

Dave had tried to get Regan to face reality, to let him help her through it. His words fell on deaf ears, if anything it pushed her further away and that was the last thing he wanted. But she shut her self so far inside out of his reach. And so he waited patiently for that moment to come, the moment something small would trigger reality to come crashing down.

Dave found Regan clutching something in her hands, they were shaking and she stood staring in shock and disbelief.

"I told you, I told you!" She proclaimed as her horrified expression turned to satisfaction and her eyes lit up in a way he had almost forgotten they could do.

Dave stood looking at her with questioning eyes. They had spoken so little in the last weeks, they had become distant through this issue over Stevie, but in a way had formed a closeness that allowed words to disappear. With his eyes he asked the question, and with her eyes she answered, it was written all over her face. Stevie.

He looked to the object in her hand. A wrist band that had belonged to Stevie.She had worn it fairly often. He still looked at her puzzled, not comprehending what the interest in the object was. Stevie's things were all over the place.

"You don't understand." Regan insisted. "Stevie was wearing it, on the day..."Regans voice trailed off. "She was wearing it see?"

"Oh Regan." Dave almost did not bother to speak. At the disapproval in his eyes she had turned away shaking her head, already knowing what he thought. She was crazy. He looked at her with this sad pity in his eyes, and she wanted to slap him for it. "Stevie has a lot of those things.." He tried half heartedly to be logical.

"But THIS is the one she wore that day. You know what that means?" Regan tried to convince him, determined she was right. Suddely pieces fell into place. She didn't know how or why it had happened. But Stevie was alive. This was proof. And Regan knew now where she was. Regan never stopped to consider it all had been a sick joke, the letter, the wrist band. Jonah had played games like this with her before. But this time she knew in her heart. She had known all along. Stevie was alive.

"She might have taken it off, before she left the house.." Dave continued realising that Regan would not be convinced.

"No." Regan answered. "She was wearing it." She stopped suddenly. Not able, not willing, to explain to Dave about the phone call, about Jonah, about the past she had kept hidden. In her own mind she tried to work out what he was playing at, what was Stevie doing with him. But she let all thoughts fall away. All but this- Stevie was coming home.

She pushed past Dave as he stood on the staircase, almost running down the stairs. There was no point in them communicating any furthur. He followed closely behind, alarmed by the depth of her denial. She was seriously in need of some sort of counselling. She could not honestly believe the things she was saying. And even if she did, where did she think she was going?

"Where did you find it?" Dave asked for lack of anything constructive to say.

Regan did not answer, what could she say that Dave would believe anyway? She realised she looked crazy to him, but he would see soon enough. They would all see. She would find Stevie and everything would be ok. Whatever the cost, it would not matter. Nothing mattered very much after the terrifying weeks she had lived with the possibility that her best friend was foreve gone hanging over her head. She knew Jonah wanted something. He always did. She would no doubt pay dearly for this. But she would pay gladly.

She ignored Dave as she picked up the car keys, trying frantically to remember the way to the house where Jonah lived. Dave tried to talk to her, she would not listen. Dave could not let her go off driving in such a state, it wasn't safe, she hardly slept for weeks, she was acting crazy, where on earth was she going anyway? He grabbed her from behind, only gently to get her to stop, to look at him. She pulled away fiercely and he held her tighter. Suddenly she was in another place, another time, with another man. Before she realised what she was doing she had picked up the knife on the nearby kitchen counter and held it in her hands.

Dave watched as she relaxed and turned to him, still holding onto her arm tightly. He sighed in relief, feeling he was getting through to her somehow, but his expression changed when he saw the fierce look of hatred in her eyes. He could make no sense of it, it was as if he was looking at someone totally unknown. And then he saw the knife in her hand. Still the picture made no sense to him. And despite the look in her eyes that frightened him, despite the fact she had threatened Tess with a knife earlier, he could not bring himself to back away in fear, knife or no knife. It just didn't make sense. Regan held the knife close to her, not threatening him in any way, but refusing to put it down.

"Regan, calm down ok, give me the knife." He said gently, his eyes darting between her own confused expression, and her hand clutching the knife.

At that moment Kate, Jodi and Tess entered the kitchen. Somehow the feeling changed completely, Regan dropped the knife in surprise and Dave let go of her. The two stood stunned as the girls entered the kitchen.

"Is everything ok?" Jodi asked as she hesitantly inched forward safely taking the knife from its place near Dave's feet.

No one answered her. Regan shook herself free from Dave and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Jodi asked. But Regan did not answer, Dave shrugged his shoulders helplessly, wanting to follow but fearing it would make things worse.

"Jodi can you please go with her?" Dave asked.

Jodi nodded and turned to follow.

"But what about the memorial service?" Kate asked

"Stevie is dead it wont make a difference to her." Jodi answered.

Kate followed also, agreeing that helping Regan, who was alive, was far more important that a service. Alex wasn't coming anyway. Regan wasn't coming. The two most important people to Stevie and they wouldn't be there. So what point was a memorial service? Still, Kate had been looking forward to it in a bizarre way. A chance to say goodbye, to make peace, to have closure.

Tess had wanted to follow also, but Dave stopped her. And she reluctantly realised she and Dave both would probably make the situation worse.

"Regan wait." Jodi called as she ran after her cousin.

"No time." Reagn answered as she headed for her car.

"Where are you going?" Jodi asked breathless from the effort of catching up, and already afraid of the answer

"To get Stevie." Regan said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Kate and Jodi exchanged glances, not knowing what to do. They could hardly stop her, and could not let her go alone. The only thing was to go with.

"Regan wait." Jodi called as she caught up to her cousin, with Kate trailing behind. "We'll come, take my car."

Regan nodded in agreement, pleased for once that they had stopped telling her she was crazy, stopped trying to control her movements and thoughts. Of course Jodi and Kate could come, why not? The more the merrier. Soon they would all know that she had been right. Stevie wasn't dead at all. It was all nonsense. Regan hadn't stopped to think beyond that, about Jonah, about what he was playing at, about leading Kate and Jodi straight into a part of her life she had so desperatly and diligently kept hidden. She thought only of Stevie, of seeing her finally, and putting this nightmare to an end once and for all.


End file.
